A Coaching Tip for Gatorade

“By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be…a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

Mitch Hedberg’s right. You don’t have to “be like Mike” to like Gatorade. But after watching March Madness and the Bulls battle for the 3 seed, I’m convinced you have to like sports to like Gatorade commercials.

Have you seen a Gatorade commercial recently?! You know the ones: 30 – 60 second montage of sweat, weight-lifting, practice, sweat, failure, fatigue, orange sweat, triumph, (stupid) water, GATORADE…you know, those commercials? It’s my theory that Gatorade takes the same approach to making sports drinks as they do to making commercials – stick to the formula and tweak a couple ingredients. Swap out Yellow5 with Red40 – new flavor! Pee-Wee football team out, college volleyball player in…new commercial!

Although we don’t know the exact proportions of the ingredients in Gatorade we know they’re listed from greatest to least and the list is short:

WATER leading ingredient SUGAR used as sweeteners to improve the palatability of foods and beverages CITRIC ACID Used to bring out the flavor of other ingredients and imparts a tang or tartness on its own NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, SALT Used to add flavor to foods. Chloride and sodium ions, the two major components of salt, are needed by all known living creatures BLUE 1 An FD&C approved color

Again, the proportions are a secret but after years of watching real actors, fake athletes, fake actors and real athletes go the extra yard, I think the Gatorade commercial nutrition label looks something like this:


Humans can live roughly 3 days without water. A Gatorade commercial can’t go 3 seconds without sports or it will self-destruct. It doesn’t matter if it’s ping pong or professional football – sports.must.be.played. SPORTS!


Used to get you pumped (or jacked). Last-rep lows and sneaker-squeak highs in 4/4 time almost get you off the couch, but then you remember you walked the dog yesterday and who are you anyway, Oscar Dela Hoya?


Used to gross you out and to remind you not pursuing sports or “acting” were two of the best decisions you ever made in your 4 years of community college.


The Hoosiers of ingredients. No, the Rocky of ingredients. The Hoosiers vs Rocky of ingredients.

FAILURE (or SUCCESS…doesn’t really matter)

Play to win. Go big or go home. Do or die. Practice makes perfect. You miss every shot you don’t take. #isitinyou?


Add MJ to anything and it’s better (except a baseball team). I doubt Gatorade gives two Powerades about my (or Mitch Hedberg’s) opinion of their marketing efforts, especially considering how many gallons they sell per year. Nonetheless, I can’t stand by and have buckets of bad commercials poured on my head any longer. So to Gatorade, a coaching tip – Take a timeout, dig deep in your playbook and draw one up for your benchwarmers. Deviate from your steadfast game-plan and give thirsty dudes on couches everywhere something to really cheer about.

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